For Single Guys:
Will You Find the Woman of Your Dreams?
Hello Guys----I am writing you from Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, where it is snowing on April 25! I hope you are warmer than I am! For this month's mentoring newsletter I wanted to tackle a question about marriage that came from one of my Canadian friends. This question is aimed at single guys, but if you are married you can share this advice with the single men you are mentoring.
Question: What are your views on courtship, dating and marriage. I’d definitely like some advice on how to find the right wife. Do you believe God has one special girl for me that He has picked out, or is it my decision?
This is a special question, since I am about to celebrate my 30th wedding anniversary! (Deborah and I are going to Hawaii in May to celebrate.) I am praying for many of you to find wives. Some of the single guys I am mentoring are older and are starting to feel like this process is taking too long. Others of you are in your early 20s and you may not be quite ready for marriage yet. But I am praying that all of you will discover the right woman in God’s timing.
I would offer the following tips on finding a wife:
Keep Jesus first in your life.
I waited until I was 25 to marry Deborah. For a few years I held onto Psalm 37:4 which says: “Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart.” I knew I wanted to be married, but I waited on God to bring the right woman into my life. I knew that if I made Jesus the central focus of my life He would take care of all my needs and desires. Don't be anxious. Trust God and let peace rule your heart in this area.
Expect God to bless you with a wonderful woman.
Some guys worry that if they wait on God’s choice for them, they will have to marry a girl they are not attracted to. That is crazy! Your Father wants to bless you. The girl God brings into your life will be pleasing to you in every way. She won’t be perfect (neither are you!) but you will be crazy about her.
Be led by the Holy Spirit.
I don’t believe there is only one way to find a wife. Some guys date for a few years. A few guys I know have met women online through services like E-harmony or Match.Com. Others choose to wait until God shows them the right girl and they go ahead and express their desire to marry. I even know guys in India whose marriages are arranged by their parents! But I believe the key is for you to allow the Holy Spirit to lead you in the process. If you have a strong relationship with God, He will show you how to find your mate. For me, the best way was to spend time with groups of young people my age, and God orchestrated things for me to meet Deborah. Then we began to have feelings for each other.
Wait on God’s timing.
One of the biggest mistakes guys make is jumping the gun and falling in love before they step back and realize they are with the wrong girl. Slow down! Marriage is the biggest and most important decision you will ever make. When I buy a house I don’t just walk into the first property on the list and write a check. I look at all my options and apply discernment. If you are impatient in the area of marriage you will seriously regret it.
Look for a girl who is spiritually compatible with you.
You already know you can’t marry a girl who is not a Christian. But you can’t just marry any Christian! Today there are girls who go to church who have questionable morals and shaky faith. You need to find a girl who is radical for God. Look for a girl who would rather be at the prayer meeting than the after-church party. Find a girl who is filled with the Holy Spirit. If you settle for less and marry a lukewarm Christian, you will end up dragging her around for the rest of your life. Marry a girl who will challenge you to stay hot for God!
Run as fast as you can from Satan’s decoys.
Too many guys get bamboozled by a woman’s charms and end up with the girlfriend from hell. Beware of the sex kitten who wants to get into your pants and steal your spiritual strength like Delilah did to Samson. Beware of the control freak who thrives on non-stop drama. Beware of the spoiled rich girl who insists that you pay for a ring you can’t afford. You are going to have to live with this girl 24 hours a day. Choose a girl who has the character of Jesus.
Look for confirmation.
After you are in a dating relationship and you feel you have found the right girl, ask God to confirm it to both of you. You can also ask mentors and pastors to pray with you for guidance. If she is the right one, the Lord will give you a green light.
Make sure you are ready for marriage.
Even after you have found the right girl, don’t assume you can pop the question immediately. Count the cost. Do you have a job? Can the two of you afford to be married and pay your bills on your combined salaries? Can you buy an engagement ring? How do her parents feel about you? Be practical. Love is great but it does not pay the rent.
When the time is right, turn on the charm.
When you know you are in love with the right girl, and it is time to ask her to marry you, be as romantic as you want. Take her to her favorite beach or restaurant and make a scene by proposing. She will appreciate the way you shower her with love on that special day, and you will make a special memory together.
Keep your pants zipped until your wedding night.
This is an order! The worst way to spoil an engagement is to get involved in premarital sex. As soon as you are engaged, discuss with your girlfriend how you are going to respect sexual boundaries until the wedding. My wife and I stayed pure throughout our three-month engagement, and then when we stood at the altar to seal our union we did it with a clear conscience. Don't let lust rob you of that blessing.
Enroll in a premarital counseling class.
Many pastors will not marry a couple unless they agree to premarital counseling. I do not think it is wise to marry until you go through some sessions with a pastor or mentor to discuss issues such as communication, finances, sex, family planning and basic Christian marriage principles. Don’t assume you know how to be married. You need all the advice you can get!
I hope this is helpful. Feel free to email me if you have any specific questions about this advice. I look forward to seeing every one of my single friends get married, and I hope I can be there for the big day!